I’ve never been one to fully share situations on my blog because I’ve truly been worried of what others might think. If I say that Tyler and I had a fight, will people think our marriage is rocky? If I mention a slow week at the store, will people think business isn’t great? If I talk about a time where I felt incredible pain, will people view me as weak? The list could go on and on.
It’s so silly too when I think of it. I shouldn’t post that on my blog because…. People might *gasp* think I’m HUMAN? Woah. Reality check. We all live in this perfectly curated (online) world where filters can fix imperfections, perfectly written captions can mask the pains, and influencers can convince you that you NEED something to be complete. I mean, I’m guilty of it. I post the best photos of Knox – smiling and perfectly dressed – and skip the ones where his onesie is covered in spit-up and he’s losing his mind crying because he’s tired/hungry/hot. I post a picture of Tyler and I from our photographer (Laura Rowe Photo & Design) because the selfie we just took in the car emphasizes my cheeks too much. I write a blog and then when it feels too vulnerable, like my weaknesses are too exposed, I delete it. To be honest, I don’t even know if more than my mom and Tyler read this blog sometimes (and that’s perfectly okay) but I do know that I deserve to be my true self and anyone reading this deserves to read about my true self. No more hiding and pretending everything is perfect. Plot Twist: It’s not.
In fact, I just recently was able to say that the anxiety and depression following the birth of my son has subsided. Some of my closest friends knew my struggles – but I’m sure to my Instagram followers, everything seemed completely fine. They didn’t see the constant fear something bad would happen to someone I love, especially Knox. They didn’t see the tears feeling like I wasn’t enough or meant to be a mom. They didn’t even know. Now, I’m not saying the flip side should be true too. Some items are meant to be private and some emotions are meant to be dealt with in our own homes. Finding the balance is the key (balance – that’s a WHOLE other blog topic).
I once heard (from a friend) that another person I know couldn’t be around me because I have the “perfect life.” Gulp. I wanted to be flattered but then I realized how fake that was. I never want someone to look at me and think that way. So, this blog is me, promising to post more “real” moments. The messy moments, the photos that aren’t perfectly posed, and the stories that have shaped this life of mine. It’s not perfect – in fact, it’s far from it. It’s messy and it’s raw and I struggle daily with so many things I don’t even know where to begin.. If you read this, thank you. Here’s to being authentic and remembering that most of what we see (and what our children will one day see) online is not.